So I am up late bait clicking on YouTube when I accidentally mouse over this ridiculous interview. Needless to say, I was surprised to learn of Wilford Brimley's life before theater and rather impressed by the sheer length of this jailbirds lifespan in two prisons. So I grudgingly watched, hoping to learn what could be smuggled into prison beneath a chin flap, until I became weirded out by the impending queer casting couch scene I knew was coming and scrolled down to the comments for some spoiler info.
What followed was almost 90 minutes of tear jerking laughter, so I thought it was worth sharing... Enjoy!
Q108: What If A Shot Caller Puts A Green Light On You In Folsom Prison California?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMNh_ZPocE4
THOTH1 day ago (edited)
I remember when I was incarcerated at quentin tarantino state prison level 900 security level. they brought me in a cage made of laser's that was specially designed by the FBI just to contain me. The first day Im there I get mobbed by no less than 2000 10 to 12 foot 680 lb Communist Nazi druids in full ballistic body armor with rocket launchers and gatling guns. I immediately fall back on my green beret navy seal shaolin samurai training that I got during my service in WW2, call of duty, and Nam. The first 18 foot bastard comes charging at me and from the length of his gait and the amount of liquid in his eyes I can immediately tell that he's lactose intolerant. I pull out a carton of 2% milk I've stored behind my eyelid since 1943 and spray it at him. The second the milk contacts his skin it burns him like acid and looks like the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. The others are stunned for a moment, at which point I pull out my trusty 88-mm anti aircraft cannon that I keep keistered for occasions such as this, and vaporize the rest of my attackers. After that, every nation on earth held an emergency meeting and agreed that I was too dangerous to be kept on planet so I was shipped to an off world prison colony on Nexus Prime in the outer rim. So I get to Nexus Prime and as soon as I get on the yard I notice this 25 foot tall half Tibetan half velociraptor eye ballin' me from across the way. I notice from the way he's standing he's got a death star stashed in his colon. I quickly fashion a make shift battle mech out of Styrofoam cups I've been stashing and suplex him into the ground, at which point I am declared grand champion of the UFC. A couple days later I get word the Galactic Aryan Brotherhood are out to get me, and the next second I see this huge martian nazi covered in electrified bio armor rushing me head long. He weighs at least 17 tons and I know I cant outrun him, so I grab a copy of crime and punishment and throw it at him, at the same time asking him how Dostoevsky can write Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov as an existential enigma, being both a nihilist and moralist, at which point he becomes locked in a deep existential crisis to which there is no solution. He is later liquified and turned into high density protein cubes. After that, I led a rebellion and took control of the system and started the galactic empire from star wars and also became and jedi and a sith at the same time. Then I became too powerful and omnipotent for the use of physical form so I attained godhood and am now a god.
dkennell9984 days ago
So by my fourth day on the yard, people are getting nervous. I walk into to the mailroom to pick up my daily shipment of medals from winning the Vietnam war so I can hide them, since I'm trying to keep a low profile. but from special ops training and heightened sense of awareness I notice three members of the Aryan brotherhood disguised as giant postage stamps in the corner. I say if well if you want to know the meaning of going postal you've come to the right place. They're so stunned that I sensed their presence that they all immediately piss themselves from fear and awe. They say you can't be independent. Garry Johnson is inexperienced. My special ops green seal spetznas beret training kicks in and I realize immediately that one of them is cupping his hand in such a way that I can tell he's hiding a rocket launcher. I immediately punch the ground, sending a ripple through the earth that throws them back against the wall. I disarm the one with the launcher, an 8 foot 52 inch half uzbeki half etruscan candstick maker and tuck the launcher into my belt, and then break all of his individual toe bones, then pluck out the eyes of the two other Aryans and swap them with each other so they get confused about their identities and start crying. I leap into the air and shoot the rocket launcher into the ground, knocking all three of them unconcious (but not killing them because I knew that if I ever killed someone I'd never get out) and launching me through the skylight. I do a triple sommersault double layout with a half twist, a variation on the move I taught Simon Biles in 'Nam, and land in the warden's office who looks me up and down and says '....you ex military?' I say yessir and he salutes me. Later that day the representatives of all the races decide to keep a truce as they have bonded over their grudging respect for me. The prison industrial complex gets wind of this and they can't have that so they transport me to San Quentin in the box that they transported velociraptors in in the first Jurrasic Park.
Gibbons McGribbons1 week ago
So there i was, at the helm of the titanic, when they tell me i have to fight this blonde blue eyed 90'' hispanic iceberg called Ice-boi, well, Ice-boi didnt know i toured 30 years in the US MOSSAD SPETZNATS Marine core with over 3 gigabytes of confirmed kills. Out the corner of my eye i spotted the coast of Tanzania so i knew he was packing a phased plasma rifle in the 30 watt range. So i dropped to my knee, and kicked his knee out the wrong way, drove my fist into his Iceberg eyeballs and smashed his face into the side of the ship and said "Next" now, the ship started sinking but luckily id already built 30 lifeboats out of two cheese burgers and a toothbrush, so i saved everyone, twice. JFK personally shook my hand and said i was the reason we signed the declaration of Independence.
Stallowned Stallion6 days ago
So I get airdropped into Folsom cuz they were all scared to process me by the book, but get hung up on the jump carabiner. There I am hanging out a plane at 14,000 feet in my prison oranges with the easy access poo flap slapping in the vortices. My Nam training kicked in like a turbo booster and without thinking...chewed off a shank of titanium from the fuselage with my teeth. In the reflection of polished metal I caught a fleeting glimpse of my Gaelic lambchops that'd make Elvis kill himself...and thought about how much better Folsom was going to get with me flushing porcelain milk duds in there. I cut the rope with my fashioned blade and fell to the earth without a chute since I cut that as well to save my ass. I basically fashioned my neck flaps into a flying squirrel suit and glided into Folsom before my buttermilk shortstack got cold. First day in the yard, some 6'13" slippery inbred white dood starts asking me if I am from Fresno. I returned speak in my mother tongue of Isle of Scotsman with plenty of hard tongue rolls. The dood left perplexed and told his shotcaller who got cheezed and green lighted my Celtic arse for the smoker, toot sweet. So I am ready to fight for my life, while eating a baloney sandwhich and they send in the first guy. He is 7'5" 542lbs and is wearing an adult diaper. Shit just got real. He yells obscenities at me and runs at me with arms out like Frankenstein's monster. I drop to my knee and reach up into elephant skinned sack, check him for a hernia, as former Nam medic, pop his hemroidz, push his pecker inside out at which point he now has 2 belly buttons, and tie his ear hair to his eyebrows at which point he cant see shit. I mount his shoulders and make him my steed wherby steering him by tugging on left/right nut. I maul the yard with the beast as grown men scream like school girls at my carnage. Finally, the head guard who's 760 pound half Samoan, half Ubangy orangatangy, and half Indian, the hot spice Indian not the scalpem Indian...pulls out a .454 Casull and drops my charge like a bag of spoiled groceries. I get thrown in the hole for 30 days where I befriend an orb spider and teach it Gaelic by plinking his strings in Morse code. The spider was actually an arachnid shotcaller who said he'd have my back when the shit jumped off. A few weeks go by and Folsom votes me off the island cuz I'm too brutal. They weld my cell bars into a cage, knock the walls down and crane lift me by helicopter to San Quentin. The head screw at SQ says my reputation has already been there a week, killed 5 lifers, 3 bikers, 2 screws and impregnated the cafeteria lady. Looks like my next smoker fight is going to be against my ego in the fight of a lifetime. For this event they flew in every cartel and gang jefe in SoCal and charged $1000 a head. Before my ego asked me if I want to die...I dropped to a knee, tunneled through its ass and made it say my name as a sock puppet. Next 20 years, people never fucked with me and in fact...used to fight to see who got to flush my morning constitution as an honor. Now that Im out...there is no green light on me from Alaska to Del Fuego. Im 5'4" of sprung wound death. If you heard my story...you probably just unbalded and gained 4" of sissy pipe.
Jasper Nihilim 2 weeks ago
So this huge, jacked dude comes up to me while I'm polishing my bone collection in the yard. He must have been about 6"20, half black, half orcish. Immediately, I spot the Bofors 25mm M/32 anti-aircraft cannon tucked in his waistband, so instinctively I begin to circle him on my unicycle and I say exactly this: "We are to recognise that all that comes into being must be ready for a sorrowful end; we are forced to look into the terrors of the individual existence – yet we are not to become rigid with fear." At this point in time, this dude's like "Whuh?" and scratching his head through his armor-plated cybernetic exoskeleton, so I take the opportunity to almost instantaneously fashion an 18-foot-long jousting lance from the leftover dinner trays I'd been stealing from the blacks and hiding between the webs of my toes. As soon as he realizes what's going on he calls over five hundred of his machete-armed Soviet Communist militants but by the time they arrive I'm already waiting 50 feet away atop my half grizzly bear half pegasus. I charge towards them and skewer all 501 incrementally upon my lance and take several hundred victory laps around the running track as the guards came out to applaud and weep until three sunsets had passed.
Ibi Awo4 days ago
After they had enough of my powers, i was finally transferred to Alcatraz.. I just wanted to do my time in peace. As I only sleep with both eyes opened, I saw with my peripheral vision that Optimus Prime and Megatron were about to "split my wig", what they didnt know was that Bumble Bee and i had a love child with Sam Witwicky back in Fresno, but due to the divorce, i lost custody and had to run to Vietnam where i started a new loving relationship with Ironhide, but we broke up due to the domestic abuse I inflicted... I said "OK"... I instantly dropped to my knees and in a flash of a second turned into a new breed of transformer... out of sheer FEAR, Megatron eat his own head and Optimus Prime committed seppuku... I Whispered "NEXT"... remembering my CIA training with Jack Ryan, i instinctively fashioned a time machine out of left over bread and a cigarette... I then travelled back in time to kill the Warden when he was kid.
The King1 week ago
So there I am in the chow hall when all of a sudden this 10”13 half iranian half iraqian kebab head starts eyeballing me from across the food counter. I push my tray into his chest then he screams •NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Little did he know I was a marine chef in vietnam, (i was able to stealth kill so many people because the enemies are looking for army guys not chefs,) so I take one sniff and instantly know every ingredient in the soup; which of course i start screaming out loud for everyone to hear. The iraniquian shrivelled up like a boner slapped with a TV antenna and pleaded for mercy. Naturally, everyone gave me their soup and started cheering and swarming me like fan girls. From atop the shoulders of the wardens bodyguards while he was shaking my hand, i looked that pekanese bitch in the face so hard his chest cavity imploded, after which i shouted “NEXT!”
Ermal Karaj 4 days ago
I walk into the yard only using my smallest 2 toes on each foot because the other 8 toes were knitting a spacesuit made of material from another galaxy. I quickly spot an Eagle 300 miles away with my left eye while the right one is going in circles so fast that I create a wormhole. Anyway I wanted the Eagle as a pet to teach it the ancient Babylonian language so I used my breath so suck it in. The Eagle came to me in 0.00000001 seconds and starting bowing down. I got bored so I used the wormhole to go back in time to have dinner with Cleopatra, she had to be restrained by 50 intergalactic half human half cat beings from coming to kiss me.
Scott Roy1 week ago (edited)
So there I was, wrongly accused for killing my wife due to circumstantial evidence. I was in for life, and before I knew it I was doing the warden and all the prison guards' taxes for them and keeping the books straight for the crooked dealings that were going on. I had to answer audits in the smoker to supplement my cred, because nobody actually serving a sentence cared about long tax forms or itemized deductions and earned income credit. Once they threw their best auditors at me, and I had successfully shown the math and ALL relevant tax code, they had no choice but to close each tax evasion case being scrutinized in the smoker. Then, the head shot caller comes up to me and throws a shoebox full of fuel receipts at my feet and says, "There, bean-counter... make sense of THAT." Well sir, I don't have to tell you how this set me off, being one of the best bookkeepers at Folsom -and I immediately organized ALL receipts by date and amount and cross-referenced by vendor with scans to keep them on one page, to boot. It was the single best fuel deductions package that he had ever seen, and as he read through the 38 page bundle of fuel costs and mileage, a single tear welled up in the corner of his eye and then rolled solemnly down his scarred and stubbly cheek. He just turned and walked away without another word or look and the next day I was finished with my tunnel and crawled through a mile of prison shit and piss to my freedom. Oh yeah, and then Morgan Freeman showed up as I was sanding the same spot on a cruddy old boat that I usually slept under on the beach behind the Marriott resort I washed dishes in. They were heady times... rife with shoddy tax preparation. They say that to every generation a star is born, and let me tell you sir, that was MY generation and I was the star.
FalconPunch19781 week ago
And then the warden said "what we've got here is a failure to communicate" and then the black guy says "Hey I got that rock hammer you wanted" and I was in a bad mood so I broke both of his arms and legs. I eventually tunneled my way out of there with the rock hammer and exposed the warden who blew his brains out. Then another black guy came at me with bees flying out of his mouth with a mouse in his pocket. The end.
Rich Matthews6 days ago (edited)
“So after I got done smacking Jesus around for about 8 to 37 minutes.. I broke both his eyeballs and kicked him in the knuckles. Just then this 11’47” CO, half Eskimo half velociraptor mind you, comes up and slashes at me with this(holds up claw toe nail) a 6 inch retractable claw much like a razor. You see a CO won’t bite your jugular like a lion, see. He slash’s at you here.. or here.. or maybe across your belly spilling your intestines. The point is you’re alive when COs start to eat you. But, I backed off with both hands and feet in the air so they don’t see I have a chainsaw and a jelly donut.. private pile.. because, you know, I was a navy beret seal black ops in Nam, agent orange was my code name. I have 144 confirmed kills with a pencil sharpener alone. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I beat up Jesus. 3 weeks later I’m chewing on the bars of my cell.. then the AB sends Chuck Norris after me. I don’t want to fight anyone, just do my time. So, Chuck comes after me with a kick.. I blink twice and he explodes in thin air.. POOF.. he’s gone. After that the president of the US comes down and says to me, “you’re in trouble, we’re transferring you to Atlantis at the bottom of the ocean.” I say okay, I just wanna do my time. I’m now in Atlantis 2 days later. I’m swimming in the yard and Aquaman and two hammerhead sharks swim up to me.. all with tridents mind you. Aquaman stabs me in the elbow and the sharks bite both my little toes. I’m a little hurt, but don’t forget I’m a patch holder. So, I eat all three of them in one bite.. gulp.. they’re gone and Superman asks me to join the justice league. Good for me because I dated Wonder Woman in high school. That’s pretty much the story of how I became emperor of Pluto.” The end.
Hans Felsh1 week ago
Don't let this guy's story distract you from the fact that in 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they did not commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire, the A-Team.
mrkomail11 week ago
After I got a job as a janitor at M.I.T. , I'm walking down the hall with my mop and see this math problem on this chalkboard. I'm 5'6" and this chalkboard has got to be at least 7' tall. I look this chalkboard up & down and say "bad move". Next thing the chalkboard knows, I'm dancing all over it with a piece of chalk I keep stashed in my waistband. By the time I solve the equation, which none of these college boys could do, the chalkboard doesn't know what the hell is going on. When it was all said and done, I didn't say a word. I just kept going and cleaned the men's bathroom.
reviewloop1 week ago
So they told me the guy they're getting to fight you in the smoker is half King Kong and half Godzilla, and he knows judo. I said 'ok.' I walked into the ring, and there he was. Now, I was never racist when I was out on the streets, so I didn't mention that making me fight a giant gorilla-lizard was highly irregular. He walked over to me, cupped hand, so I knew he was carrying a banana, and the glint in his eye told me the laser beams were coming. So I ducked, stomped on his scaly tail and then punched him square in his hairy ape balls. Down he went. I said 'next.' The guards applauded. Johnny Cash came out of the crowd to shake my hand, and wrote a song about me then and there. It's called 'Folsome Monkeysaurus Slaying Dude', but then he changed the lyrics to 'Folsome Prison Blues' because I was about to start working for the Space Force, and I didn't want my cover blown. But, if you listen carefully, in the background you can still hear June Carter singing 'Punch that Kongzilla in the nads, you sexy, baldy bastard.'
Freakishd1 week ago (edited)
wow this man brings back lots of memories from when I was doing time back in '83. The guards at my prison used to hold a monthly lottery where, if your name was pulled, you had to fight to the death with another inmate. Anyhow, my name got picked on the first week I was there, and quietly I muttered "oh well, no big deal" and went about my business. People were shocked at how calm and collected I was. The guy I was up against was atleast 6'3, black belt in tae quan do (celtic spelling, im celtic), 230lbs pure muscle. The guards gave each of us a knife, and locked us together in a cell. I threw away the knife, because I knew I wouldn't need it. The guards were absolutely flabbergasted, and some of the crowd that formed started murmuring to themselves. Before we even had a minute to compose ourselves in the fight arena, the guards rang the bell signalling the start of the fight. First thing I do is point behind my opponent and say "Look, over there!", catching him off guard. Next, I swiftly went down to my knees and pulled down his pants to start sucking him off, momentarily distracting him. He was very confused and disoriented, and before he knew what the hell was going on, I did a back flip over his head and slit his throat with the concealed knife I carried deep in my colon . Thunderous applause broke out in the cell block as I casually walked away. From that day forward, I was known as "The Don" and nobody fucked with me.
xebek6 days ago
...and then Chuck Norris walked into my cell so I was compelled to show Chuck Norris what "Chuck Norris" REALLY meant.
Elijah L5 days ago
So, there i was in the middle of my moms basement. Surrounded by empty cheetos bags and mountain dew bottles. This tall burly guy liked to call me his son and try to boss me around. Meanwhile this central american blue eyed brown haired white skinned amazonian looking white woman came up to me, and of course she was telling me i had to get a job. I was raised on the mean streets of Cincinnati and learned to take no crap from no one. So anyway this big white burly dude with a big mustache told me i needed to get a job. So anyway i didnt take no crap so i smacked my mom in the face and farted on my dad and called my mom a bitch cause she was. Anyway i have to get off youtube now cause my stupid mom is yelling at me
Aussie_Viking1 day ago
So here I was in a secret military prison for ninjas when this Arabic Mexican Albanian starts coming at me. He's about 8 feet 17 inches with a bionic leg. Anyway, he's coming at me with his two Rottweilers and my training kicked in from serving in Vietnam, Korea and middle earth. First thing i noticed was one of the Rottweilers had a potato on its collar, now I'm allergic to potatoes you see..... so I did a spinning back kick with a salt and pepper combo and turned the potato into a watermelon. Now this guy is allergic to watermelons. I knew that because I'm friends with all the bikers and ninjas from Fresno. I used to work on their bikes and sharpen their swords. Anyway, the warden of the prison throws me a spike star and I said" I don't want to kill anybody" so I threw it back and it cut out the tumour he didn't know he had, so now he owes me a favour. so anyway, I got this guy against the fence line because I was expecting a delivery of biscuits any minute, and I started picking up the Rottweilers and throwing them at him. That's how I got this little scar here🤓. So anyway.... that's how I invented airbags in automobiles 🚗
czr7j922 hours ago (edited)
After I became a special ops soldier I went on a secret undercover mission in Vietnam. I learn't Vietnamese from a Chinaman on the way then parachuted into Ho Chi Mings compound where I pretended to be one of his generals. I even grew a beard like his, kind of like I have now, except longer in the middle. My mission was to find out his plans. I did. his mission was to win the war. so I slipped off under the cover of darkness and collected some mines and electrical cable used in torture on the way. Since being in jail I sneaked in theses ruthless weapons. One guy who started a fight swung at me with a knife so I threw the booby trap and it exploded on his balls sending his package in all directions, I was careful not to eat ay sausages for dinner that night. Another time a the leader of the white gang wanted me dead so I sneaked into his cell when he was asleep and connected the electrical wires to his balls. then I went back into my cell and flicked the switch. Well the scream was so loud I quickly tugged at the cables and wound them back up into my room and hid them, so I didn't get caught. He is no longer white enough to be in the gang. I wear them around my neck like headphones so everyone gets the message not to fuck with me. The guards actually think they are real headphones.
Joseph Larson1 day ago
So there I was in Alcatraz when the Warden asked me how my son was. Told him he was almost 6 and is doing great. He moved on to the cell next to me, asked about something that isn't important. That's when Weasel steps into his song and dance, by pretending he needs the doc. Weasel stabbed the warden. Then, Billy handed us all revolvers from the Warden. Huge twist, the Warden stands up and screeches at us. His eyes are glowing. We all shoot him at least 4 times before he dies, so 16 shots before he falls. We turn around and Alcatraz has turned into a personal hell, bodies hanging from the ceiling, fire, blood, just a hellish nightmare. We heard screaming, and saw the undead rushing us. We all died, but we came back. We were stuck in a cycle. Our plan still stood, get to the roof, build the plane, and get the hell out of there. Everytime we did that, the plane crashed into the Golden Gate bridge and the only way out was our death by electric chair. The Warden kept returning as an armored undead demon, the heads of Cerberus ate the recently deceased, and granted us a flaming returning tommahawk. We also gained access to a magical box that gave us weapons beyond your imagination, including an acid spewing shotgun. We killed millions. The cycle continues...
Some Strayan2 days ago
So here I am, standing at 4'2" towered over by a 7'1" goliath named Big-Jim-Bone-Crushin-Bad-Man brandishing a serated machete. The cops had heard stories of me at Folsom so they turned a blind eye to his deadly weapon. No matter, I once turned a Vietnamese soldier's machete against him using only my left foot, decapitating him instantly and saving my unit. Big-Jim-Bone-Crushin-Bad-Man lunged at me with his Go-Go Gadget man extendo-arms and I stomped on his giant willy, causing him to screech in pain. I could hear the laughter from the cops so I grabbed him by his pinky toe and swung him face-first into the chain-link fence. I peeled him off the fence like my sweaty back on the leather interior of my Rolls Royce and flicked him in the baby makers. Back in 'Nam I learnt a technique to kill a man using only a flick to the testicles. A story for another time. Big-Jim-Bone-Crushin-Bad-Man's ballsack swell to the size of a 20 pound medicine ball. I heard they weighed about as much too. All the Hispanics started buying me pizza for lunch. But anyway, that's what I used to have for lunch; pizza.
Dreq Magikarp1 week ago
So after i shot Osama Bin Laden in the chow line i turned around to finish off Hitler, when Bin Laden started moving! when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era towers over me with a fake wig and beard! And i screamed "DAMN YOU MONSTER! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH MY PURE IRISH BLOO!?!" He leans over in my ear and whispers "about tree fiddy"
JohnSmith18823 days ago
So finally, a couple guards take me up to the Warden's office. They sit me down and handcuff both wrists to the chair. "You know these handcuffs won't stop me, right?" I said. But they said nothing and left the room. "We know all about you." a voice said from out of the darkness. "Over 300 confirmed kills in Vietnam, all hand-to-hand. 3 tours of duty, 3 Silver Stars, 2 Purple Hearts. 2 time Arm Wrestling champion of the world. You won the 1973 Texas Rib Eating Championship by eating 400 ribs in under 3 minutes. You won a Hulk Hogan Look-Alike contest in 1981. You've been blacklisted by most of the brothels in Nevada for supposedly injuring some of the workers because your manhood is too big..." "Quite an extraordinary life you have lived" the Warden said as he moved to stand in front of me. "It was over 450 ribs in under 3 minutes" I said as I corrected him. The Warden leaned closer to me. "But now you are here, in my prison, causing chaos... And I can't have that, so I have a proposition for you. There is a secret martial arts tournament in Bangkok called "The Kumite". If you win the tournament, you will be set free. If you lose, you die." The Warden set down at his chair and glared at me. "Are you in?" he asked. "Make the arrangements." I said. "Good." said the Warden. "I'll have my men uncuff you, and take you out of here." I flexed my wrist muscles. "No need" I said, as I held up the handcuffs that were now broken. The Warden smiled. "God help the poor bastards that have to fight you in that tournament." I gave him a nod, and they took me out of the prison and to a private airfield, where I boarded the flight to Bangkok. I still hold most of the major records for The Kumite. Including, most elbows snapped, most kneecaps broken, and most throat punches in a single fight.
Tom Volden2 days ago
then he grabbed the blonde and climbed the empire state building...
Earl2 days ago
So there i was just walking around the courtyard, when "Big Dog" put a green light on me. Dude was big (at least 3 and a half foot which is pretty big for a midget). So suddenly his boys start rushing me. I didn't have much time so i yelled "RED LIGHT" and they all stopped moving which gave me enough time to run to the end of the court. Clearly agitated, Big Dog yelled "GREEN LIGHT" again instantly followed by me yelling "RED LIGHT". This whole green light red light thing went on for about 2 and a half hours until they finally got close enough to kick my ass. It wasn't so bad though because at the end of the day the doctor gave me ice cream.
achermeier4 days ago
As I turn the corner I see this 15' tall Sasquatch standing in front of me. He has biker tattoos on one arm and arian race tattoos on the other. So instinctively I drop to one knee and deliver an upper cut to where I thought his family jewels would be located. Forgetting I was only 5'6" tall I missed horribly. I then stood up, jumped as high as I could and swung again. This time I only glazed his harryness causing him to laugh uncontrollibly. When he stopped laughing he palmed me like a basketball and carried me to his cell. I was his bitch from then on until he tired of me. It was then that I was transferred to San Quentin.
Jeffy Spaghetti1 week ago
So I was taking inventory on my shoe collection when this huge 7'9'' guy comes in, I can see the LGM-30 Minuteman III ICBM in his waist band I immediately hit him with a spinning back heel kick with the force of a of an atomic bomb, this only damages his pure titanium armor. I quickly fashion a radio out of the other inmates to contact an AC-130 pilot to gun him down with the GAU-12/U Equalizer. There is nothing left of this man but a crater. The next day I was transferred to a maximum security prison in Marianas Trench.
StillNotARobot1 week ago
So, there I was in the yard pumpin iron and brushing my teeth (a habbit I had picked up in the navy, where I got the world record of speedrunning mario sunshine), when this 12ft Elvis Presley impersonater stares me down. And by the way his shoes are tied, I can tell that he is coming to tickle me. The second he starts sprinting towards me, I deactivate the gravity in the room (a skill I acquired from the time I raided Molten Core back in 2004) and press X, O, Up, Up, Down, X, R2, L2 to do my kage bunshin technique. Now this other guy that was standing 50ft away, who did the voiceover for Darth Vader in an erotic fanfiction on 4chan, can instantly tell that I had once seen Star Wars. So he comes up to me and tells me that he has got my back if anything comes up. I then pull my eyes from their sockets so I can look at my own face and says "next". The Elvis Presley impersonater then chooses option 5 and everyone start applauding.
hockeylover2462 weeks ago
i clicked on this randomly thinking i would watch a minute and go shower. Fast forward 40 minutes im still sitting here in my own filth thinking about why Joe Rogan hasn't invited him to do a podcast yet?
TRUTH BETOLD2 weeks ago
I came out to the yard. I was scared, but I remember what my grandma told me. "Always drink your milk, and always finish eating your cookies". I saw the shot caller from the corner of my eyes. I became petrified. But, I remembered what my grandma told me. "never wear a woman's panties". The shot caller was wearing a silver earring in the shape of a butterfly. I became horrified. I knew he was part of the butterfly gang. This gang was known for eating different colored crayons. I knew i was in big trouble, but I remember what my grandma told me....
John Drake1 week ago
And they had steamy prison couch sex afterwards
What followed was almost 90 minutes of tear jerking laughter, so I thought it was worth sharing... Enjoy!
Q108: What If A Shot Caller Puts A Green Light On You In Folsom Prison California?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMNh_ZPocE4
THOTH1 day ago (edited)
I remember when I was incarcerated at quentin tarantino state prison level 900 security level. they brought me in a cage made of laser's that was specially designed by the FBI just to contain me. The first day Im there I get mobbed by no less than 2000 10 to 12 foot 680 lb Communist Nazi druids in full ballistic body armor with rocket launchers and gatling guns. I immediately fall back on my green beret navy seal shaolin samurai training that I got during my service in WW2, call of duty, and Nam. The first 18 foot bastard comes charging at me and from the length of his gait and the amount of liquid in his eyes I can immediately tell that he's lactose intolerant. I pull out a carton of 2% milk I've stored behind my eyelid since 1943 and spray it at him. The second the milk contacts his skin it burns him like acid and looks like the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. The others are stunned for a moment, at which point I pull out my trusty 88-mm anti aircraft cannon that I keep keistered for occasions such as this, and vaporize the rest of my attackers. After that, every nation on earth held an emergency meeting and agreed that I was too dangerous to be kept on planet so I was shipped to an off world prison colony on Nexus Prime in the outer rim. So I get to Nexus Prime and as soon as I get on the yard I notice this 25 foot tall half Tibetan half velociraptor eye ballin' me from across the way. I notice from the way he's standing he's got a death star stashed in his colon. I quickly fashion a make shift battle mech out of Styrofoam cups I've been stashing and suplex him into the ground, at which point I am declared grand champion of the UFC. A couple days later I get word the Galactic Aryan Brotherhood are out to get me, and the next second I see this huge martian nazi covered in electrified bio armor rushing me head long. He weighs at least 17 tons and I know I cant outrun him, so I grab a copy of crime and punishment and throw it at him, at the same time asking him how Dostoevsky can write Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov as an existential enigma, being both a nihilist and moralist, at which point he becomes locked in a deep existential crisis to which there is no solution. He is later liquified and turned into high density protein cubes. After that, I led a rebellion and took control of the system and started the galactic empire from star wars and also became and jedi and a sith at the same time. Then I became too powerful and omnipotent for the use of physical form so I attained godhood and am now a god.
dkennell9984 days ago
So by my fourth day on the yard, people are getting nervous. I walk into to the mailroom to pick up my daily shipment of medals from winning the Vietnam war so I can hide them, since I'm trying to keep a low profile. but from special ops training and heightened sense of awareness I notice three members of the Aryan brotherhood disguised as giant postage stamps in the corner. I say if well if you want to know the meaning of going postal you've come to the right place. They're so stunned that I sensed their presence that they all immediately piss themselves from fear and awe. They say you can't be independent. Garry Johnson is inexperienced. My special ops green seal spetznas beret training kicks in and I realize immediately that one of them is cupping his hand in such a way that I can tell he's hiding a rocket launcher. I immediately punch the ground, sending a ripple through the earth that throws them back against the wall. I disarm the one with the launcher, an 8 foot 52 inch half uzbeki half etruscan candstick maker and tuck the launcher into my belt, and then break all of his individual toe bones, then pluck out the eyes of the two other Aryans and swap them with each other so they get confused about their identities and start crying. I leap into the air and shoot the rocket launcher into the ground, knocking all three of them unconcious (but not killing them because I knew that if I ever killed someone I'd never get out) and launching me through the skylight. I do a triple sommersault double layout with a half twist, a variation on the move I taught Simon Biles in 'Nam, and land in the warden's office who looks me up and down and says '....you ex military?' I say yessir and he salutes me. Later that day the representatives of all the races decide to keep a truce as they have bonded over their grudging respect for me. The prison industrial complex gets wind of this and they can't have that so they transport me to San Quentin in the box that they transported velociraptors in in the first Jurrasic Park.
Gibbons McGribbons1 week ago
So there i was, at the helm of the titanic, when they tell me i have to fight this blonde blue eyed 90'' hispanic iceberg called Ice-boi, well, Ice-boi didnt know i toured 30 years in the US MOSSAD SPETZNATS Marine core with over 3 gigabytes of confirmed kills. Out the corner of my eye i spotted the coast of Tanzania so i knew he was packing a phased plasma rifle in the 30 watt range. So i dropped to my knee, and kicked his knee out the wrong way, drove my fist into his Iceberg eyeballs and smashed his face into the side of the ship and said "Next" now, the ship started sinking but luckily id already built 30 lifeboats out of two cheese burgers and a toothbrush, so i saved everyone, twice. JFK personally shook my hand and said i was the reason we signed the declaration of Independence.
Stallowned Stallion6 days ago
So I get airdropped into Folsom cuz they were all scared to process me by the book, but get hung up on the jump carabiner. There I am hanging out a plane at 14,000 feet in my prison oranges with the easy access poo flap slapping in the vortices. My Nam training kicked in like a turbo booster and without thinking...chewed off a shank of titanium from the fuselage with my teeth. In the reflection of polished metal I caught a fleeting glimpse of my Gaelic lambchops that'd make Elvis kill himself...and thought about how much better Folsom was going to get with me flushing porcelain milk duds in there. I cut the rope with my fashioned blade and fell to the earth without a chute since I cut that as well to save my ass. I basically fashioned my neck flaps into a flying squirrel suit and glided into Folsom before my buttermilk shortstack got cold. First day in the yard, some 6'13" slippery inbred white dood starts asking me if I am from Fresno. I returned speak in my mother tongue of Isle of Scotsman with plenty of hard tongue rolls. The dood left perplexed and told his shotcaller who got cheezed and green lighted my Celtic arse for the smoker, toot sweet. So I am ready to fight for my life, while eating a baloney sandwhich and they send in the first guy. He is 7'5" 542lbs and is wearing an adult diaper. Shit just got real. He yells obscenities at me and runs at me with arms out like Frankenstein's monster. I drop to my knee and reach up into elephant skinned sack, check him for a hernia, as former Nam medic, pop his hemroidz, push his pecker inside out at which point he now has 2 belly buttons, and tie his ear hair to his eyebrows at which point he cant see shit. I mount his shoulders and make him my steed wherby steering him by tugging on left/right nut. I maul the yard with the beast as grown men scream like school girls at my carnage. Finally, the head guard who's 760 pound half Samoan, half Ubangy orangatangy, and half Indian, the hot spice Indian not the scalpem Indian...pulls out a .454 Casull and drops my charge like a bag of spoiled groceries. I get thrown in the hole for 30 days where I befriend an orb spider and teach it Gaelic by plinking his strings in Morse code. The spider was actually an arachnid shotcaller who said he'd have my back when the shit jumped off. A few weeks go by and Folsom votes me off the island cuz I'm too brutal. They weld my cell bars into a cage, knock the walls down and crane lift me by helicopter to San Quentin. The head screw at SQ says my reputation has already been there a week, killed 5 lifers, 3 bikers, 2 screws and impregnated the cafeteria lady. Looks like my next smoker fight is going to be against my ego in the fight of a lifetime. For this event they flew in every cartel and gang jefe in SoCal and charged $1000 a head. Before my ego asked me if I want to die...I dropped to a knee, tunneled through its ass and made it say my name as a sock puppet. Next 20 years, people never fucked with me and in fact...used to fight to see who got to flush my morning constitution as an honor. Now that Im out...there is no green light on me from Alaska to Del Fuego. Im 5'4" of sprung wound death. If you heard my story...you probably just unbalded and gained 4" of sissy pipe.
Jasper Nihilim 2 weeks ago
So this huge, jacked dude comes up to me while I'm polishing my bone collection in the yard. He must have been about 6"20, half black, half orcish. Immediately, I spot the Bofors 25mm M/32 anti-aircraft cannon tucked in his waistband, so instinctively I begin to circle him on my unicycle and I say exactly this: "We are to recognise that all that comes into being must be ready for a sorrowful end; we are forced to look into the terrors of the individual existence – yet we are not to become rigid with fear." At this point in time, this dude's like "Whuh?" and scratching his head through his armor-plated cybernetic exoskeleton, so I take the opportunity to almost instantaneously fashion an 18-foot-long jousting lance from the leftover dinner trays I'd been stealing from the blacks and hiding between the webs of my toes. As soon as he realizes what's going on he calls over five hundred of his machete-armed Soviet Communist militants but by the time they arrive I'm already waiting 50 feet away atop my half grizzly bear half pegasus. I charge towards them and skewer all 501 incrementally upon my lance and take several hundred victory laps around the running track as the guards came out to applaud and weep until three sunsets had passed.
Ibi Awo4 days ago
After they had enough of my powers, i was finally transferred to Alcatraz.. I just wanted to do my time in peace. As I only sleep with both eyes opened, I saw with my peripheral vision that Optimus Prime and Megatron were about to "split my wig", what they didnt know was that Bumble Bee and i had a love child with Sam Witwicky back in Fresno, but due to the divorce, i lost custody and had to run to Vietnam where i started a new loving relationship with Ironhide, but we broke up due to the domestic abuse I inflicted... I said "OK"... I instantly dropped to my knees and in a flash of a second turned into a new breed of transformer... out of sheer FEAR, Megatron eat his own head and Optimus Prime committed seppuku... I Whispered "NEXT"... remembering my CIA training with Jack Ryan, i instinctively fashioned a time machine out of left over bread and a cigarette... I then travelled back in time to kill the Warden when he was kid.
The King1 week ago
So there I am in the chow hall when all of a sudden this 10”13 half iranian half iraqian kebab head starts eyeballing me from across the food counter. I push my tray into his chest then he screams •NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Little did he know I was a marine chef in vietnam, (i was able to stealth kill so many people because the enemies are looking for army guys not chefs,) so I take one sniff and instantly know every ingredient in the soup; which of course i start screaming out loud for everyone to hear. The iraniquian shrivelled up like a boner slapped with a TV antenna and pleaded for mercy. Naturally, everyone gave me their soup and started cheering and swarming me like fan girls. From atop the shoulders of the wardens bodyguards while he was shaking my hand, i looked that pekanese bitch in the face so hard his chest cavity imploded, after which i shouted “NEXT!”
Ermal Karaj 4 days ago
I walk into the yard only using my smallest 2 toes on each foot because the other 8 toes were knitting a spacesuit made of material from another galaxy. I quickly spot an Eagle 300 miles away with my left eye while the right one is going in circles so fast that I create a wormhole. Anyway I wanted the Eagle as a pet to teach it the ancient Babylonian language so I used my breath so suck it in. The Eagle came to me in 0.00000001 seconds and starting bowing down. I got bored so I used the wormhole to go back in time to have dinner with Cleopatra, she had to be restrained by 50 intergalactic half human half cat beings from coming to kiss me.
Scott Roy1 week ago (edited)
So there I was, wrongly accused for killing my wife due to circumstantial evidence. I was in for life, and before I knew it I was doing the warden and all the prison guards' taxes for them and keeping the books straight for the crooked dealings that were going on. I had to answer audits in the smoker to supplement my cred, because nobody actually serving a sentence cared about long tax forms or itemized deductions and earned income credit. Once they threw their best auditors at me, and I had successfully shown the math and ALL relevant tax code, they had no choice but to close each tax evasion case being scrutinized in the smoker. Then, the head shot caller comes up to me and throws a shoebox full of fuel receipts at my feet and says, "There, bean-counter... make sense of THAT." Well sir, I don't have to tell you how this set me off, being one of the best bookkeepers at Folsom -and I immediately organized ALL receipts by date and amount and cross-referenced by vendor with scans to keep them on one page, to boot. It was the single best fuel deductions package that he had ever seen, and as he read through the 38 page bundle of fuel costs and mileage, a single tear welled up in the corner of his eye and then rolled solemnly down his scarred and stubbly cheek. He just turned and walked away without another word or look and the next day I was finished with my tunnel and crawled through a mile of prison shit and piss to my freedom. Oh yeah, and then Morgan Freeman showed up as I was sanding the same spot on a cruddy old boat that I usually slept under on the beach behind the Marriott resort I washed dishes in. They were heady times... rife with shoddy tax preparation. They say that to every generation a star is born, and let me tell you sir, that was MY generation and I was the star.
FalconPunch19781 week ago
And then the warden said "what we've got here is a failure to communicate" and then the black guy says "Hey I got that rock hammer you wanted" and I was in a bad mood so I broke both of his arms and legs. I eventually tunneled my way out of there with the rock hammer and exposed the warden who blew his brains out. Then another black guy came at me with bees flying out of his mouth with a mouse in his pocket. The end.
Rich Matthews6 days ago (edited)
“So after I got done smacking Jesus around for about 8 to 37 minutes.. I broke both his eyeballs and kicked him in the knuckles. Just then this 11’47” CO, half Eskimo half velociraptor mind you, comes up and slashes at me with this(holds up claw toe nail) a 6 inch retractable claw much like a razor. You see a CO won’t bite your jugular like a lion, see. He slash’s at you here.. or here.. or maybe across your belly spilling your intestines. The point is you’re alive when COs start to eat you. But, I backed off with both hands and feet in the air so they don’t see I have a chainsaw and a jelly donut.. private pile.. because, you know, I was a navy beret seal black ops in Nam, agent orange was my code name. I have 144 confirmed kills with a pencil sharpener alone. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I beat up Jesus. 3 weeks later I’m chewing on the bars of my cell.. then the AB sends Chuck Norris after me. I don’t want to fight anyone, just do my time. So, Chuck comes after me with a kick.. I blink twice and he explodes in thin air.. POOF.. he’s gone. After that the president of the US comes down and says to me, “you’re in trouble, we’re transferring you to Atlantis at the bottom of the ocean.” I say okay, I just wanna do my time. I’m now in Atlantis 2 days later. I’m swimming in the yard and Aquaman and two hammerhead sharks swim up to me.. all with tridents mind you. Aquaman stabs me in the elbow and the sharks bite both my little toes. I’m a little hurt, but don’t forget I’m a patch holder. So, I eat all three of them in one bite.. gulp.. they’re gone and Superman asks me to join the justice league. Good for me because I dated Wonder Woman in high school. That’s pretty much the story of how I became emperor of Pluto.” The end.
Hans Felsh1 week ago
Don't let this guy's story distract you from the fact that in 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they did not commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire, the A-Team.
mrkomail11 week ago
After I got a job as a janitor at M.I.T. , I'm walking down the hall with my mop and see this math problem on this chalkboard. I'm 5'6" and this chalkboard has got to be at least 7' tall. I look this chalkboard up & down and say "bad move". Next thing the chalkboard knows, I'm dancing all over it with a piece of chalk I keep stashed in my waistband. By the time I solve the equation, which none of these college boys could do, the chalkboard doesn't know what the hell is going on. When it was all said and done, I didn't say a word. I just kept going and cleaned the men's bathroom.
reviewloop1 week ago
So they told me the guy they're getting to fight you in the smoker is half King Kong and half Godzilla, and he knows judo. I said 'ok.' I walked into the ring, and there he was. Now, I was never racist when I was out on the streets, so I didn't mention that making me fight a giant gorilla-lizard was highly irregular. He walked over to me, cupped hand, so I knew he was carrying a banana, and the glint in his eye told me the laser beams were coming. So I ducked, stomped on his scaly tail and then punched him square in his hairy ape balls. Down he went. I said 'next.' The guards applauded. Johnny Cash came out of the crowd to shake my hand, and wrote a song about me then and there. It's called 'Folsome Monkeysaurus Slaying Dude', but then he changed the lyrics to 'Folsome Prison Blues' because I was about to start working for the Space Force, and I didn't want my cover blown. But, if you listen carefully, in the background you can still hear June Carter singing 'Punch that Kongzilla in the nads, you sexy, baldy bastard.'
Freakishd1 week ago (edited)
wow this man brings back lots of memories from when I was doing time back in '83. The guards at my prison used to hold a monthly lottery where, if your name was pulled, you had to fight to the death with another inmate. Anyhow, my name got picked on the first week I was there, and quietly I muttered "oh well, no big deal" and went about my business. People were shocked at how calm and collected I was. The guy I was up against was atleast 6'3, black belt in tae quan do (celtic spelling, im celtic), 230lbs pure muscle. The guards gave each of us a knife, and locked us together in a cell. I threw away the knife, because I knew I wouldn't need it. The guards were absolutely flabbergasted, and some of the crowd that formed started murmuring to themselves. Before we even had a minute to compose ourselves in the fight arena, the guards rang the bell signalling the start of the fight. First thing I do is point behind my opponent and say "Look, over there!", catching him off guard. Next, I swiftly went down to my knees and pulled down his pants to start sucking him off, momentarily distracting him. He was very confused and disoriented, and before he knew what the hell was going on, I did a back flip over his head and slit his throat with the concealed knife I carried deep in my colon . Thunderous applause broke out in the cell block as I casually walked away. From that day forward, I was known as "The Don" and nobody fucked with me.
xebek6 days ago
...and then Chuck Norris walked into my cell so I was compelled to show Chuck Norris what "Chuck Norris" REALLY meant.
Elijah L5 days ago
So, there i was in the middle of my moms basement. Surrounded by empty cheetos bags and mountain dew bottles. This tall burly guy liked to call me his son and try to boss me around. Meanwhile this central american blue eyed brown haired white skinned amazonian looking white woman came up to me, and of course she was telling me i had to get a job. I was raised on the mean streets of Cincinnati and learned to take no crap from no one. So anyway this big white burly dude with a big mustache told me i needed to get a job. So anyway i didnt take no crap so i smacked my mom in the face and farted on my dad and called my mom a bitch cause she was. Anyway i have to get off youtube now cause my stupid mom is yelling at me
Aussie_Viking1 day ago
So here I was in a secret military prison for ninjas when this Arabic Mexican Albanian starts coming at me. He's about 8 feet 17 inches with a bionic leg. Anyway, he's coming at me with his two Rottweilers and my training kicked in from serving in Vietnam, Korea and middle earth. First thing i noticed was one of the Rottweilers had a potato on its collar, now I'm allergic to potatoes you see..... so I did a spinning back kick with a salt and pepper combo and turned the potato into a watermelon. Now this guy is allergic to watermelons. I knew that because I'm friends with all the bikers and ninjas from Fresno. I used to work on their bikes and sharpen their swords. Anyway, the warden of the prison throws me a spike star and I said" I don't want to kill anybody" so I threw it back and it cut out the tumour he didn't know he had, so now he owes me a favour. so anyway, I got this guy against the fence line because I was expecting a delivery of biscuits any minute, and I started picking up the Rottweilers and throwing them at him. That's how I got this little scar here🤓. So anyway.... that's how I invented airbags in automobiles 🚗
czr7j922 hours ago (edited)
After I became a special ops soldier I went on a secret undercover mission in Vietnam. I learn't Vietnamese from a Chinaman on the way then parachuted into Ho Chi Mings compound where I pretended to be one of his generals. I even grew a beard like his, kind of like I have now, except longer in the middle. My mission was to find out his plans. I did. his mission was to win the war. so I slipped off under the cover of darkness and collected some mines and electrical cable used in torture on the way. Since being in jail I sneaked in theses ruthless weapons. One guy who started a fight swung at me with a knife so I threw the booby trap and it exploded on his balls sending his package in all directions, I was careful not to eat ay sausages for dinner that night. Another time a the leader of the white gang wanted me dead so I sneaked into his cell when he was asleep and connected the electrical wires to his balls. then I went back into my cell and flicked the switch. Well the scream was so loud I quickly tugged at the cables and wound them back up into my room and hid them, so I didn't get caught. He is no longer white enough to be in the gang. I wear them around my neck like headphones so everyone gets the message not to fuck with me. The guards actually think they are real headphones.
Joseph Larson1 day ago
So there I was in Alcatraz when the Warden asked me how my son was. Told him he was almost 6 and is doing great. He moved on to the cell next to me, asked about something that isn't important. That's when Weasel steps into his song and dance, by pretending he needs the doc. Weasel stabbed the warden. Then, Billy handed us all revolvers from the Warden. Huge twist, the Warden stands up and screeches at us. His eyes are glowing. We all shoot him at least 4 times before he dies, so 16 shots before he falls. We turn around and Alcatraz has turned into a personal hell, bodies hanging from the ceiling, fire, blood, just a hellish nightmare. We heard screaming, and saw the undead rushing us. We all died, but we came back. We were stuck in a cycle. Our plan still stood, get to the roof, build the plane, and get the hell out of there. Everytime we did that, the plane crashed into the Golden Gate bridge and the only way out was our death by electric chair. The Warden kept returning as an armored undead demon, the heads of Cerberus ate the recently deceased, and granted us a flaming returning tommahawk. We also gained access to a magical box that gave us weapons beyond your imagination, including an acid spewing shotgun. We killed millions. The cycle continues...
Some Strayan2 days ago
So here I am, standing at 4'2" towered over by a 7'1" goliath named Big-Jim-Bone-Crushin-Bad-Man brandishing a serated machete. The cops had heard stories of me at Folsom so they turned a blind eye to his deadly weapon. No matter, I once turned a Vietnamese soldier's machete against him using only my left foot, decapitating him instantly and saving my unit. Big-Jim-Bone-Crushin-Bad-Man lunged at me with his Go-Go Gadget man extendo-arms and I stomped on his giant willy, causing him to screech in pain. I could hear the laughter from the cops so I grabbed him by his pinky toe and swung him face-first into the chain-link fence. I peeled him off the fence like my sweaty back on the leather interior of my Rolls Royce and flicked him in the baby makers. Back in 'Nam I learnt a technique to kill a man using only a flick to the testicles. A story for another time. Big-Jim-Bone-Crushin-Bad-Man's ballsack swell to the size of a 20 pound medicine ball. I heard they weighed about as much too. All the Hispanics started buying me pizza for lunch. But anyway, that's what I used to have for lunch; pizza.
Dreq Magikarp1 week ago
So after i shot Osama Bin Laden in the chow line i turned around to finish off Hitler, when Bin Laden started moving! when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era towers over me with a fake wig and beard! And i screamed "DAMN YOU MONSTER! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH MY PURE IRISH BLOO!?!" He leans over in my ear and whispers "about tree fiddy"
JohnSmith18823 days ago
So finally, a couple guards take me up to the Warden's office. They sit me down and handcuff both wrists to the chair. "You know these handcuffs won't stop me, right?" I said. But they said nothing and left the room. "We know all about you." a voice said from out of the darkness. "Over 300 confirmed kills in Vietnam, all hand-to-hand. 3 tours of duty, 3 Silver Stars, 2 Purple Hearts. 2 time Arm Wrestling champion of the world. You won the 1973 Texas Rib Eating Championship by eating 400 ribs in under 3 minutes. You won a Hulk Hogan Look-Alike contest in 1981. You've been blacklisted by most of the brothels in Nevada for supposedly injuring some of the workers because your manhood is too big..." "Quite an extraordinary life you have lived" the Warden said as he moved to stand in front of me. "It was over 450 ribs in under 3 minutes" I said as I corrected him. The Warden leaned closer to me. "But now you are here, in my prison, causing chaos... And I can't have that, so I have a proposition for you. There is a secret martial arts tournament in Bangkok called "The Kumite". If you win the tournament, you will be set free. If you lose, you die." The Warden set down at his chair and glared at me. "Are you in?" he asked. "Make the arrangements." I said. "Good." said the Warden. "I'll have my men uncuff you, and take you out of here." I flexed my wrist muscles. "No need" I said, as I held up the handcuffs that were now broken. The Warden smiled. "God help the poor bastards that have to fight you in that tournament." I gave him a nod, and they took me out of the prison and to a private airfield, where I boarded the flight to Bangkok. I still hold most of the major records for The Kumite. Including, most elbows snapped, most kneecaps broken, and most throat punches in a single fight.
Tom Volden2 days ago
then he grabbed the blonde and climbed the empire state building...
Earl2 days ago
So there i was just walking around the courtyard, when "Big Dog" put a green light on me. Dude was big (at least 3 and a half foot which is pretty big for a midget). So suddenly his boys start rushing me. I didn't have much time so i yelled "RED LIGHT" and they all stopped moving which gave me enough time to run to the end of the court. Clearly agitated, Big Dog yelled "GREEN LIGHT" again instantly followed by me yelling "RED LIGHT". This whole green light red light thing went on for about 2 and a half hours until they finally got close enough to kick my ass. It wasn't so bad though because at the end of the day the doctor gave me ice cream.
achermeier4 days ago
As I turn the corner I see this 15' tall Sasquatch standing in front of me. He has biker tattoos on one arm and arian race tattoos on the other. So instinctively I drop to one knee and deliver an upper cut to where I thought his family jewels would be located. Forgetting I was only 5'6" tall I missed horribly. I then stood up, jumped as high as I could and swung again. This time I only glazed his harryness causing him to laugh uncontrollibly. When he stopped laughing he palmed me like a basketball and carried me to his cell. I was his bitch from then on until he tired of me. It was then that I was transferred to San Quentin.
Jeffy Spaghetti1 week ago
So I was taking inventory on my shoe collection when this huge 7'9'' guy comes in, I can see the LGM-30 Minuteman III ICBM in his waist band I immediately hit him with a spinning back heel kick with the force of a of an atomic bomb, this only damages his pure titanium armor. I quickly fashion a radio out of the other inmates to contact an AC-130 pilot to gun him down with the GAU-12/U Equalizer. There is nothing left of this man but a crater. The next day I was transferred to a maximum security prison in Marianas Trench.
StillNotARobot1 week ago
So, there I was in the yard pumpin iron and brushing my teeth (a habbit I had picked up in the navy, where I got the world record of speedrunning mario sunshine), when this 12ft Elvis Presley impersonater stares me down. And by the way his shoes are tied, I can tell that he is coming to tickle me. The second he starts sprinting towards me, I deactivate the gravity in the room (a skill I acquired from the time I raided Molten Core back in 2004) and press X, O, Up, Up, Down, X, R2, L2 to do my kage bunshin technique. Now this other guy that was standing 50ft away, who did the voiceover for Darth Vader in an erotic fanfiction on 4chan, can instantly tell that I had once seen Star Wars. So he comes up to me and tells me that he has got my back if anything comes up. I then pull my eyes from their sockets so I can look at my own face and says "next". The Elvis Presley impersonater then chooses option 5 and everyone start applauding.
hockeylover2462 weeks ago
i clicked on this randomly thinking i would watch a minute and go shower. Fast forward 40 minutes im still sitting here in my own filth thinking about why Joe Rogan hasn't invited him to do a podcast yet?
TRUTH BETOLD2 weeks ago
I came out to the yard. I was scared, but I remember what my grandma told me. "Always drink your milk, and always finish eating your cookies". I saw the shot caller from the corner of my eyes. I became petrified. But, I remembered what my grandma told me. "never wear a woman's panties". The shot caller was wearing a silver earring in the shape of a butterfly. I became horrified. I knew he was part of the butterfly gang. This gang was known for eating different colored crayons. I knew i was in big trouble, but I remember what my grandma told me....
John Drake1 week ago
And they had steamy prison couch sex afterwards
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